TAYLOR MALI
Taylor Mali is a teacher a def poetry slam
performer.
Like
You Know
What Teachers Make
Miracle Workers
Like Lily Like Wilson
Undivided Attention
Defending American Interests
Labeling Keys
ODD TODD
"Todd" is
unemployed. He was laid off in June 2001. He hasn't had a real job
since then. He lives in Brooklyn. He was born in Manhattan and grew up
in New Rochelle, NY. Single guy. As a way of dealing with his situation,
he created a series of cartoons to document his plight.
Laid-Off: A Day in the Life
Laid-Off: Help Wanted
Laid-Off: Annual Report
Laid-Off: Vacation Day
Laid-Off: Career Day
Laid-Off: Hollywood Bound
LIGHTBULBS
How Many Does
It Take?
Light Bulb Jokes
More Light Bulb Jokes
Even More Light Bulb Jokes
Still Even More Light Bulb Jokes
TRIVIA
Q. Half of all
Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their
birthplace
Q. Most boat
owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to
spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the
letter 'A'?
A. One thousand
Q. What do
bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers
all have in common?
A. All were
invented by women.
Q. What is the
only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are
there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
PROFESSIONS
Making Fun of People's Jobs
Profession Jokes
Science Jokes
Music Jokes
Economist Jokes
Philosopher Jokes
Philosophical Humor
Political Humor
MUPPETS
Best Moments From the Muppet Show
Rita Moreno
Steve Martin
Paul Simon
John Cleese
Julie Andrews
Beverly Sills
Ben Vereen
Elton John
Harry Belafonte
Christopher Reeves
Liza Minelli
Lydia the Tatooed Lady
Sax and Violence
Never Smile at a Crocadile
50
Ways to Leave Your Lover
I Don't Got Rhythm
WAL-MART APPLICATION
This is supposedly an actual job
application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in
Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one
who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't be applying here in the first place
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz-style severance package. If that's not possible, make an
offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment .
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING
UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
"Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I m ay already be
a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no! On my breaks, yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
WORLD'S FUNNIEST COMMERCIALS
Funny Stupid and Banned Commercials
Outrageously Funny Commercials
Changing Tires Can be Dangerous
Bubblicious
You Were Snoring
My Mom Said I Could
Porsche
Use Condoms
MEN'S ROOM MURAL
Edge Designs is an
all-women run company that designs interior office space. They had a
recent
opportunity to do an office project in New York City. The client
allowed the women of this
company
a free hand in all design aspects.
The client was a company that was also run by all women execs.
The
result.........well.....We all know that
men never talk, never look at each other, and never laugh much in the
restroom. The men's room is a serious and quiet place. But now, with the
addition of one mural on the wall......lets just say the men's restroom
is now a place of laughter and smiles.
MORE TRIVIA
The first couple
to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma
Flintstone.
Every day more
money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
Men can read
smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was
originally green.
It is impossible
to lick your elbow.
The State with the
highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28%
The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of
raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
The average number
of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel
ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer
The San Francisco
Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a
deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades: King
David, Hearts: Charlemagne, Clubs: Alexander, the Great, Diamonds:
Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
SMORES
MORE FUNNY VIDEOS
Funny Cats
Funny Dogs
Funny Kids
Baby Laughs
Funniest Home Videos
WEIRD AL YANKOVIC
Weird Al Yankovic: On E-Bay
Weird Al Yankovic: Like a Surgeon
Weird Al Yankovic: Fat
Weird Al Yankovic: Eat It
Weird Al Yankovic: Amish Paradise
Weird Al Yankovic: One More Minute
WHY DID THE
CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
DR. PHIL :
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'
problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH :
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH :
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL :
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY :
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE :
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN :
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART :
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
DR SEUSS :
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY :
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL :
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.
That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as
simple as that.
GRANDPA :
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS :
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON :
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE :
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES :
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......
reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN :
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON :
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?
AL GORE :
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS :
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY :
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON :
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
EVEN MORE TRIVIA
If a statue in the
park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person
died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person
died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four
legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people
signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and
Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last
signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
In Shakespeare's
time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on
the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase: 'goodnight, sleep tight.'
In the 1400's a
law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife
with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of
thumb'
Many years ago in
Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies
Forbidden." And thus the word GOLF entered into the English
language.
It was the
accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the
mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was
lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today
as the honeymoon.
In English pubs,
ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers
got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and
quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's
and Q's'
Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle,
of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle
to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this
practice.
I cdnuolt blveiee
taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal
pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but
the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
DIFFERENCES
Between You And Your Boss
If you take a long time, you're slow.
BUT if your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
If you don't do it, you're lazy.
BUT if your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
If you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
BUT if your boss makes a mistake, he's 'only human'.
If you're on a day off sick, you're 'always'
sick.
BUT if your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
If you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
BUT if your boss does it, he's being firm.
If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're
being rude.
BUT if your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
If you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
BUT if your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.
If you do something without being told, you're
overstepping your authority.
BUT if your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
If you're out of the office, you're wandering
around.
BUT if your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
If you apply for leave, you must be going for an
interview.
BUT if your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
HELP DESK
Humor in the IT Department
IT Help Desk
Help Desk: Helping Dumb People
The Help Desk
Life at a Call Center
Help Desk Humor
Funny
Tech Support Call
Medieval Help Desk
Star Wars Help Desk
IT Help Desk Wars
IT Help Desk
THE IT CROWD
The UK Television Series in Praise of Geeks
Truest Moment
Standard Nerds vs Woman
Awkward Situation
Fly
Ranting About Firewalls
Google
Google Into Google
What?
Lonely Hearts
Lady Problems
Jen Tries to Learn About Computers
Amateur Hour
SUMMER CLASSES
FOR MEN
At The Adult Learning Center
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays
[Step by Step, with Slide Presentation]
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll: Does It Change Itself?
[Round Table Discussion]
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
[Group Practice]
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
[Pictures and Explanatory Graphics]
Class 5
Dinner Dishes: Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
[Examples on Video]
Class 6
Loss Of Identity: Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other
[Help Line Support and Support Groups]
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things: Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming
[Open Forum]
Class 8
Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health
[Graphics and Audio Tapes]
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
[Real Life Testimonials]
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
[Driving Simulations]
Class 11
Learning to Live: Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife
[Online Classes and Role-Playing]
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
[Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques]
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late
[Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered]
Class 14
The Stove/Oven: What It Is and How It Is Used
[Live Demonstration]
